Torn
by Ruana
Summary: It all hurts far too much for Lily, she can't escape and get over it. One day, will she be able to love again?
1. Default Chapter

A/N: how unoriginal. I am trying, I really am.  
  
Disclaimer: this work is not mine. J K Rowling had the idea: I am just fiddling. And working with her masterpiece hoping to give myself something to do. John is mine all mine. And maybe a couple more characters I shall add also.

Torn.Chapter one, reminiscing

John and James. Twins. Best friends forever.... Or so they thought.

It wasn't long ago now. That night. Lily had been there.John was part of her. She was part of John. They thought it would always be like that. They thought the happiness would last forever. They thought wrong.

She could remember his smile: slightly crooked. He had a long, bent nose; which told the tales of past years gone by, and messy black hair, just like his twin, James. He was attractive – there was no denying it. Lily had fallen for him on her very first train journey to Hogwarts all those years ago. But there was no room in this world for love. She mused bitterly to herself. It had been two months now, she hadn't come out of her room, except for lessons in two months, and she hadn't made any contact with any body. Baring James: she never spoke to him, but night after night she wrote letters. Her tiny scrawl covered parchments and parchments conveying her true feelings to someone she had barely spoken to before it happened.  
  
Staring out the window it was almost dusk. Lily was alone in her dormitory: Still, and silent. Her eyes glazed over, they didn't seem real anymore, more like blank holes, empty tunnels leading to nothing. It hurt so much. Even to look at James. But she had to cling to him. All she wanted was a tangible link with him, john, the one. She had thought they were soul mates. Before him there was no one, nothing. Before him she looked down at all the girls, blushing and making fools of themselves over boys – after all women were superior. He had changed her. Changed her by his touch, by his eyes, by the mere mention of his name, and she embraced this change with all her force.  
  
Across the greenery of the school she could see the forest. She remembered how one day they had crept in to the outskirts and sat there all day whilst the rest of the school had been stuck inside in lessons. Another time they had picnicked by the lake at midnight: The moon looking down on them with a wise stare, emitting all her light for their pleasure. In lessons they stuck together. Both chasers on the quidditch team, they always passed to each other. A bond that no one thought could be broken. Obviously they were all proved wrong.

"He was all I had," Lily whispered to herself in the steely cold quiet of the dormitory.  
  
It was November and the ice-cold winds whipped through the corridors chilling her body to the bone. They had been looking forward to Christmas, snuggling up in the common room in front of the fire, together in the red arm chair that they sat in so much no one else dared to sit there since then, she hadn't sat in it. She hadn't stayed in the common room for more than a minute. She had remained confined to her dormitory.  
  
But now she wanted to escape. The stuffy room that she had spent so much time with him in was choking her. Everywhere he seemed to scream at her. Everything reminded her of him so much, too much and she had to get away. His face in those last seconds of his life was haunting her. It was impaled in her mind, white hot and burning inside her head. And when she opened her eyes it seemed to be everywhere she looked. The tears dripped freely now. Wishing for a strong fast link with society and life, as she had known it, was no longer enough. She didn't just want to escape: she needed to.  
  
His greatest fear had been death - Death by drowning. And that was how he had gone.  
  
She blamed herself. She had suggested the swimming trip. They had been swimming many times before in the great lake at Hogwarts, and indeed out of school. She couldn't have known for the best. Nothing could have prevented it – she had been told continually, yet it didn't help. Voldemort. He was the one to blame. That monster had struck. But still she thought: _if I hadn't asked him to come for a walk that night. He would still be here. Still be with me. _


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own this setting or these characters. J.K.Rowling does, bows down

A/N: Thankyou to Rowan Arkenson – my only reviewer and my lover and my inspiration. Also thankyou to LadyWhisp, on livejournal, my major inspiration for this story. Xx

Chapter Two.

Eating seemed trivial, pointless, nowadays. Lily looked thin, pale and fragile, she looked awful and she knew it. She didn't care enough to do anything.

"John?" she whispered. Bleary eyed. Thinking had all been a dream. Hoping it had.

"No, it's James. Lily, are you ok?" James was holding her.

"What?" she looked as though she had been out of it for a long time.

"Lily, you fainted,"

It was almost the end of the day, and they had been walking through the corridors when, suddenly, Lily had fainted.

Her eyes were glazed over, a white film preventing her from seeing the world around her as it really was.

"John," she whispered again, delirious with hunger and grief.

She had loved him, still does. Tears started to leak from the corners of her eyes, spilling and dripping down her cheeks.

"Lily, lily I'm taking you up to your dormitory," James told her: Helping her to sit up and leading her through the corridor. Struggling up the stairs to hold her fragile body. She wasn't there - Not really.

Lily's area of the dormitory was a mess. Clothes strewn everywhere, bed unmade. Photos and memoirs of John littered the floor and any available surface. Her face was ashen and hair unkempt as she collapsed onto her bed.

She pulled James onto the bed with her and grasped hold of him. Muttering under her breath.

"I'll never leave you, I'll never let you go," she moaned in James' ear.

"Lily, Lily," James said gruffly. Pushing her away.

But she clung to him, as though her life depended on him. She was so sure, so sure it was John there.

Lily," James said, "you have to accept it, John's dead,"

Lily was unable to listen. She just kept moaning. Her words were on the edge of hearing, but there was something dark about them. Something black. Almost as though this wasn't Lily, not at all.

She started to moan again. Her eyes blank, pupils so huge you could barely see the white. She was dribbling, salivating all over her quilt. And scratching, scraping at her arms making the bare skin turning red and raw. It was as though she was still asleep.

Her unseeing eyes stared at the room not seeing anything. They seemed to glare right through James, the sight of someone he knew so well was unnerving, and a shiver crept down his spine.

"Lily, Lily," he whispered, almost scared to make a noise in case she heard him and did something, just something.

Her arms reached out to the bedside table. He assumed she was getting a tissue to wipe her eyes.

"Look," James said, "I'm just going to go and tell Dumbledore why were aren't in his lesson, ok? I will be back as soon as I can." And with a careful, concerned look at Lily he rushed out the room.

But Lily hadn't noticed anything. She was in a trancelike mode. Eyes wide and empty, not seeing, not hearing, not noticing. She focused on the pain. Nails tearing away at her pale flesh: over and over again on the same place. Hoping for blood, wishing for her blood.

She stood and moved across the room. Almost gliding - Like a spirit, like something unreal.

It was dark in the room. November nights fell early and the inky blackness penetrated everything. It was still before dinner, but the darkness reigned. The only source of light was a single candle, standing on her dresser. Glowing brightly, a light in amongst the impenetrable dark.

She was sick of it, of everything. She hated him for leaving her. Hated him for the pain she felt. She hated Voldemort with a passion, with every ounce of hating in her tenuous body.

Picking up the candle she marvelled at its beauty, like a single figure standing out from the crowd. She sat down on the bed and stared at it, it was almost as though she had never seen a candle before – something new and known. Experimenting with it she held it close to her face and felt the warmth penetrate her stone cold body, and icy mind. She tipped it on its side. The hot molten wax dripped onto her leg, but she didn't feel it. The flame flickered, but it didn't seem to move if you held the candle sideways. The flame enchanted her. She was awestruck by fire. The warmth had spread down the candle-holder to her hands. She held it with her right hand and tipped it touching her left arm with the flame. She held it there. Watching the bright yellow light blacken her fair hairs. The flame spread, feeding on her skin, charring her flesh. But still she felt nothing. The blackened look of her once pale skin was scaring her, the way her skin was almost bubbling below the surface. She dropped the candle. Jumping up as if she was afraid of it. Stepping back she gazed at the increasing flames engulfing her bed and eating away at her bedding, greedy for more.

She stepped forward slightly, almost in the midst of the fire and waited for the flames to embrace her. Waited for the tickling sensation around her body to begin. Waiting to be encased by fire. She laughed. The first truly audible noise she had made in days.

The room was filling with smoke quickly: Thick and black. The stench of scorched flesh and the burnt remainders of her room filled the air.

Pounding footsteps entered her dormitory. But she neither heard, nor noticed them. She didn't acknowledge anything. Didn't take note of a dark shadow slipping into her room.

She stared as the flames crept along the carpet to her feet. Those seconds felt like eternity.

James was in the room. Peering through the smoke - Attempting to make some sense of the situation in hand. The copious blackness was making it almost impossible for him to breathe.

"Lily," he screamed, staring in disbelieve at the figure consumed by smoke. She was a silhouette against the sparking dancing colours of the tempestuous fire. All alone, in a rut of no hope.

He dashed forward. Horror and fear was pulsating in his chest.

"Lily," he cried again.

But still she didn't hear. Didn't move. James rushed in: Fear and anxiety pulsating in his chest. He grabbed her. But he feet seemed stuck to the ground. Stuck fast. She wouldn't move.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or settings.  
  
A/N: Erm I am a little stuck on what to write for this chapter, oh I do so love writer's block.  
  
Also, warning warning, this scene may be rather.....erm. There's gonna be sex, I didn't like writing that, felt like it was spoiling the story for you. So you can choose not to read it or not.

Chapter 3That night. She remembered everything. It was beautiful, magickal. But at the same time terrible.  
  
Her and John had been together for over a year. And she was sure, so sure, that he was "the one". Her stomach tightened at the sight of him. She got a rush thinking of him, dreaming of the sight of him. It was all she had ever wanted, and more.  
  
They had spent the day with each other, lazing around in his garden and had walked into town. The heat was stifling and so prevented them from doing any active until the evening when it had cooled down. Lily and John felt like two normal teenagers, except from the rush they got whilst in each other's company. Apart from the tangible electricity the felt flow between each other.  
  
Close to the sleepy town where Lily lived there was a wood: thick and mysterious like the woods of children's dreams. They loved to walk through the woods, in all weathers, whenever they could. They knew them so well, the dappled shady clearing by the tiny river, and the little misused hut on the far side. It was all like a second home to them.  
  
It was the twenty-third of August. Just over a week until they went back to Hogwarts. Lily had already asked her parents if her and John could go into the woods that evening and have a picnic. Her mother's response was "you must be back by nine thirty".  
  
Trekking off into the woods at four in the afternoon, the carried all they needed with them. A cool breeze whipped through the otherwise perfectly still air. The town was quite, and had an ominous feel to it, but Lily would only notice that when she looked back and thought about it later. That evening they were content. Perfectly content.  
  
Lily couldn't remember what they spoke about. It didn't matter to her. They had walked in silence most of the way. Enjoying the feeling of the other's hand in their sweaty palms. They saw no one else. And didn't mind. All around them nature blossomed and lead its path. Lily had the pale lily brooch pinned to her shirt, that John had given her when they first started going out together.  
  
That day it had felt like it would never end, that Lily would be in heaven forever. But looking back on it the minutes and hours blurred together and she wasn't sure what happened when.  
  
Their favourite spot was deep into the woods. On the ground dark green moss grew, fluffy and soft underfoot. There was a sort of circle of space, with tall deciduous trees surrounding it, like a magickal circle area. Mottled with shade, the sunrays streaming through, finely sliced like glass shards and landing on the ground below. It was cool and quiet, and the river behind babbled cheerfully to itself.  
  
Kissing each other gently was like heaven for them, in amongst the leafy shade. They embraced and held each other for a long time. Finding sheer joy in being that close to one another. They lay down, skin touching the ground – as close to nature as they could get.  
  
Neither of them knew how long they lay there. It felt like minutes. The grass dampened underneath and the sun grew heavy in the sky. Preparing itself to set.  
  
Lily pulled off his top. Slowly and carefully and started to stroke his chest. He grinned, loving the caress of her sweet hands.  
  
They were hugging and kissing, and then next minute Lily had squirmed away, giggling. She started to undress. Making a big deal of taking off her skirt. She slipped her delicate feet into the crystalline water leaving outspreading ripples of sparkling ice-like water. It was cool to the touch. But soft, and smooth against he hot body.  
  
John grabbed her by the waist and pulled her out backwards, tickling her. He pinned her down on the mossy ground. They were both in hysterics. She was lying on her back, squirming underneath John's strong arms. He leant down and kissed her, softly and gently. His hold was firm and strong. He left her feeling like she'd never fall. Everything would be perfect, forever.  
  
The setting sun sparkled through the trees, bouncing off Lily's exquisite eyes. Struck, once again, by her beauty. Perfect features, all stunning, in proportion it was what dreams were made of. His stomach tightened, butterflies coursing through his veins. He couldn't think straight. She was everything. She felt like that night would last forever. Hoped it would last forever. For once they were perfectly content. Nothing could possibly be better.  
  
He pulled off her top, running his hands over her fair soft skin. Before they knew it they were naked. Intertwined in each other's arms: Kissing and hugging each other for al the worth. They barely knew what was happening. Their bodies were flowing together as one. A pulling sensation in their chests was drawing them to each other. Indescribable, it felt for Lily as through her soul was being ripped out her chest. Felt as though she was going to explode from sheer joy.  
  
They kissed again. Loving the tingling sensation their touching lips produced. The both felt so innocent. But everything seemed right, perfect in fact. They were together. Joined as one. He was inside her. The world stopped. Her heat slowed down. For a brief moment you couldn't tell the difference between the two. Physically conjoined, for the first, yet it felt like they had been forever.  
  
One beautiful instant, that would last a second, but be remembered forever. How can you recreate the magick and joy of sex? Lily was stuck for words. Nothing would ever be as wonderful again.  
  
They lay there a while longer. While the sun sunk below the horizon and the moon sparkled in the velvety sky.  
  
The irresistible water beckoned. They both stood simultaneously. Heading towards the waters edge. Slipping into the silky water, mirroring each other. It was cold, but beautiful. They swam around a little laughing. Neither noticed a figure moving in the bushes. Two eyes stared, fixed on John. The couple were too absorbed on each other, they didn't realise anything.  
  
Lily danced through the water: The ripples reflecting the moonlight. Their faces in amongst the milky glow of the silvery threads that belonged to the sparkling moon as they splashed in the translucent water. It was just a little too cold for Lily. Shivering slightly she stepped out of the silky stream. Shaking off the dew like drops of water. Lily reached for a towel, drying her body. She quickly pulled on her top and knickers, on her slightly moist body and turned to face John, who was still in the water.  
  
His eyes were fixed on her. Staring over the water. Staring at the person he was in love with.  
  
They grinned at each other. Nothing could wipe the smiles off their faces now.  
  
"Lily," John whispered softly, "I love you."  
  
Those three words made her heart skip with joy. They had now shared everything with each other. Innocent and virginal they had made love. And now it was all complete.  
  
She blew him a kiss.  
  
"I love you too, John," her voice rang calm and crisp through the night.  
  
Behind him Lily saw a dark shadow step out the bushes. Shrugging it off as a tree or a bush. She couldn't keep her eyes off John. They smiled at each other and their love was tangible in the nighttime air.  
  
But behind him the figure moved again. And this time Lily couldn't ignore it. Wearing a cloak of black. A tall skeletal person Shrouded and covered in black. Only two eyes were visible under the cloak, two thin slits staring.  
  
Lily frowned - unable to conceive the image in front of her.  
  
"What?" John said, puzzled by the expression on her face.  
  
"Erm," she stared again, but the figure had receded into the shadows, she frowned.  
  
"Oh nothing," she muttered. And smiled reassuringly at him.  
  
Their eyes met, twinkling into each other.  
  
Behind him the dark figure drew out his wand. Concealed by the shadows of the trees.  
  
Lily and John were encapsulated in one moment together, locked into each other's gaze.  
  
The figure stepped out the bushes: wand at the ready.  
  
Lily stared aghast. She knew it was Lord Voldemort.  
  
He didn't walk, he glided, forward right next to the waters edge. Pointing his wand straight at John.  
  
Lily froze.  
  
Voldemort started to cackle, the maniac sound echoing through the wood. But no one could hear him.  
  
"John," she screamed.  
  
He laughed, assuming she was kidding. She wasn't.  
  
Her hand flew to her mouth, the other arm outstretched, pointing.  
  
"John," she screamed again, "watch out!"  
  
"Lily, what are you doing?" he asked nonchalantly.  
  
"Behind you!" her voice screeching.  
  
He turned too late. The last thing he saw was the wand pointing straight in his face. Voldemort's scream of glee launched itself through the forest. And he cried the evil words. John started to scream in agony. Writhing with pain.  
  
Lily was frozen in terror. She tried to run forward, but Voldemort had put a binding spell on her. She couldn't move.  
  
"Stop! Stop!" she cried. Screaming and crying, tears rushing down her cheeks. She fell to the floor. His head turned slowly, and she saw he was grinning maliciously.  
  
Voldemort didn't move a muscle. And he whispered the words that ended her life.  
  
"Avada kedavra,"  
  
Voldemort disapparated. 


End file.
